Kalwant's Homepage

Thursday September 09, 2010

THE WEDDING NIGHT (Suhaag Raat) by Kalwant Singh at Mon Jun 23, 2003 12:41:06

If you've ever listened to Hindi songs on a regular basis you must have heard that famous Mukesh tune from the movie _Kabhie Kabhie_ (_Sometimes Sometimes_) that goes:

Man: "...suhaag raat hai, ghunghat utha raha hun main..." ("...it's the first night and I am lifting the veil ...hubba hubba, am I gonna have some fun!")
Now, one may wonder if all this was really that straight- forward. I mean, assuming that the ghunghat comes off. Then what? Now, don't get me wrong (especially all you married "experts" out there!). Before you start saying things like, "Geez! Where has this guy been all these years?!", think about all the things that could go wrong (and have gone wrong!) in the case of an ARRANGED marriage. I mean, here are two (almost) complete strangers who are suddenly put in a position (and I'm not referring to the Kamasutra, yet) where they are expected to get intimate! Is it any surprise then that things may not be as smooth as one may expect?

It may surprise and, yes, even horrify some of you, but recent research indicates that there may actually be more to it than meets the eye. In our recent research on the "Arranged Marriages" some startling revelations were made about really what goes on. In the never-ending quest for truth, justice, and the Indian way of life, what follows is a sequel (in keeping with the Summer Spirit) to the arranged marriage -- the Arranged Suhaag Raat and its aftermath (a.k.a. The Day After The Day). Since we are going to be delving deep into the Wedding Night of a couple that, for all practical purposes (and I do mean practical) hasn't even met yet, things could get pretty rough and sexually intense. Then again maybe not! In either case, I would recommend keeping a bucket of COLD water handy.

The Preamble
We start with our heroine from the Arranged Marriage fiasco, Ms. Hotbabe Parayadhan(Someone-else's propoerty), who has since found her mate, Mr. Yeman A. Kyakiya(What-did-I-do), a well-settled professional drawing a five-figure income. Hotbabe has a very vague idea regarding what her naya-navela (brand new) hubby does for a living. As her mummy-in-law mentioned very eloquently, "...he works with computers..." Suffice it to say that he is not expected to be home most of the day. She's still quite uncertain what he expects her to call him and has made a mental note about asking him about that. She'd definitely prefer "Honey" or "Darling" to the archaic "Ajee, sunte hoe" ("Hey you, do you listen") or, worse, "Suntay hoe, Chunnu, Munnu, Lallu, Phateechar ke bapu" ("Do you listen, Chunnu, Munnu, Wimp, Torn-Chair's (:-) dad"), but isn't quite sure of "his" reaction. Of course, she could venture to call him by his (gasp) first name, but is quite certain that mummy-in-law won't stand for it. So, for now he is just plain "He".

The wedding over, the newly-weds are traditionally expected to spend the Suhaag Raat (Wedding Night) at an hotel. Far from the often irritating relatives and friends who insist on being part of each and every phase of the marriage. However, Mr. Kyakiya, mindful of how expensive hotel rooms have become has decided NOT to follow tradition. Instead the suhaag raat is to take place AT HOME, presumably under the watchful eye of everyone including his parents and Maindhoondtihoon behen, the go-between, who's staying over to make sure that her match is successful! Of course, Hotbabe is not aware of this change in plans, yet...

Kyakiya Bhaisaab(Brother-Sir) is prepared. No, this is not the preparedness one would expect from a person taking a one week trip to Bangkok. Kyakiya-jee has recently been schooled in the facts-of-life vis-a-vis the opposite sex. A second cousin, thrice removed, and, more importantly, a woman, who happens to be a dentist, has been kind enough to furnish our hero with the basics so he doesn't mistake the word "Carefree" for chewing-gum and "periods" for what he had to endure during high-school. The cousin, Dr. Meera Adviselo(Take-My-Advice), has also clearly explained the significance of phrases such as "Mere sar mein aaj dard hai" ("I have a headache today") and "Abhi nahi, koi dekh lega" ("Not now, someone may see") and the associated subtleties. There is however considerable tension and uncertainty. After all one doesn't go through ordeals like this everyday. "Ordeal!" you exclaim? Well, of course, what else could Yeman be thinking given the fact that this is his third date with a woman and the second with this particular one? There is, of course, the anticipation of things to come, but the level of apprehension exceeds it.

Meanwhile, Hotbabe is with her mummy-in-law who is busy giving Hotbabe a quick run-down on her beloved son.

Mom-in-law: Beti, Yeman bahut light saleepurr hai. Koi bhi movement usse jagaa deti hai.
(Daughter, Yeman is a very light sleeper. Any movement and he's up and about.)
Hotbabe: (Thinks) Great, now tell me he snores too. (Says) Jee, achcha.
("Yes, o goddess of my future in this house.")
Mom-in-law: Aur woh kabhi-kabhi snore bhi karta hai agar usse zukhaam laga hoe...
(Sometimes he snores when he has a cold)
Hotbabe: Jee...
Mom-in-law: Vaise tumhe tho yeh sab chezayn pata he chal jayengee jaldi he (giving her a knowing smile followed by a nudge.)
(You will find out about all these things)
Hotbabe: (Thinks) No kidding!
(Says, with the appropriate shyness) Jee...jee..
Mom-in-law: Arre, lo, isme sharmaane ki kya baat hai?
(Hey, give, what's the reason to be coy now?)
Hotbabe: Jee...woh...(thinks) Oh, God! Will this never end!?
Mom-in-law: (With a knowing smile) Oh, main tho bhool he gayi. Yeman tumhaare liye wait kar raha hoga
(Yikes, I almost forgot. That horny son of mine must be waiting for you.)

Kabobs and Assorted Bones
Hotbabe is concerned. Very concerned. Is this what she really wanted? Was this THE GUY for her? All these uncertainties. All these doubts. Instead of being away from everyone, she is now in their very midst with almost no privacy. And to top it all, this was to be the night she was supposed to have waited for all this time. She could feel a headache coming on...

Enter our hero, Yeman. He's a little uncertain on what to say. So, he blurts out the first thing that comes to mind: Yeman: "What's up...?"

Hotbabe takes one look at him and almost bursts out laughing. She suppresses the urge to retort "You tell me" and instead intones a "Oh, nothing..."

Yeman, realizing the question was kind of dumb, feels at a loss for words. Suddenly, a knock on the door...

Yeman: (Thinks) Bachch gaya! (I'm saved!)
Hotbabe: (Thinks) Great, just what I need. Another kabob-mein-haddi (bone-in-the-kabob).
Mom-in-law: (At the door) Beta, yeh garam doodh lay lo... (Son, take this warm milk).
Hotbabe: (Thinks) Wonderful! He drinks the milk and that's the end of that. First thing you know, he's fast asleep and snoring.
(Of course, she doesn't realize that sleep is the farthest thing from Yeman's mind...)
Yeman: Nahi, mummy-jee, rehne doe...
(No, mommy-dearest, leave it...)
Mom-in-law: Beta, doctor nay kaha hai...
(Son, the doc's said so...)
Hotbabe, eyebrows raised, looks at Yeman.
Yeman (to Hotbabe): Mujhe calcium deficiency hai...
(I got Calcium deficency)
(to his mom): Mummy-jee abhi nahi. Rehne doe...
(Mommy-dearest, not now. Leave it be...)
Mom-in-law: (Very reluctantly) Achcha... (okay)
Hotbabe: sigh
Yeman: Sorry...Mummy kabhi-kabhi overdo kar dayteen hain...
(Sometime-sometimes my mom overdoes it...)
Hotbabe: (A little uncertain on how to respond) Oh...

Close Encounters

A pregnant pause ensues. Yeman's wondering what he should do. Should he just pile on, or is he expected to be subtle about the whole thing? What was it that his friend, Atul U. Subkuch, had mentioned the other day? Yes! Something about being REALLY patient and slow. He recalled Atul mention that marriage was more like a (cricket) test match(5-dya long!!!) than a one-day international and that he had to stay at the crease and not go all out right off the bat. Of course, all this could mean that Atul knew a lot about cricket and not much else! Yeman: (Thinks) I definitely don't want a repeat of that incident with Hema Yekyakarrahahai...
(Says) Tho aap kaise hoe...?
(So, how are you...?)
Hotbabe: Hot...
Yeman: (Appearing a little surprised and, yes, perhaps a little shocked at the sudden "forwardness" of his brand new wife) Oh...
Hotbabe: (noticing the gradual change in Yeman's facial expression from the usual I-am-so-confused to what appears to be insatiable lust realizes the significance of her reply) No, no! I mean it's hot in here...
Yeman: Oh, I'll turn on the AC...
Hotbabe: Nahi, rehne deejiye.
(No, let it be my so-called Lord-and-Master.)

By this time Yeman's getting a little impatient. Obviously, his Atul's advice is doing the trick. In fact, he's not even sure what the trick's supposed to be! He slowly approaches Hotbabe admiring her facial features for the first time. Coming really close now he finds himself complimenting her.

Yeman: You look very nice.
Hotbabe: (Mutters) Thanks... (Thinks) I wish he'd brush his teeth and get rid of that beer stink.

Seeing Hotbabe turn her face away from him doesn't do wonders for Yeman's fast deflating ego. By now he's wishing he'd seen all those videos his friends used to rent. He did recall parts of "Debbie Does Delhi" but that particular one had very little relevance to his present predicament.

Suddenly, Yeman recalls the missing link! Of course, it was that book Atul had giving him with a, "Boss, iss mein sab kuch hai joe tujhe chahiye. Iss kitaab mein information thoons-thoons kay bhari hai." ("Boss, this has everything you desire. This book stuffed with information.") Wondering where he'd hidden the darn book (from mummy-jee, of course!) he quickly glances around.

Hotbabe: (Thinks) Hmmmm...is he looking for the quickest escape route?
(Asks) Is something wrong...?
Yeman: No, no...can you wait a minute...?
Hotbabe: (Thinks) Well, where do you think I'm going.
(Says) Nahi, nahi. Aap apna time leejiye. Main theek hoon.
("No, no. You take your time. I'm fine here.")

Watching Yeman head for the bathroom, she marvels at her hubby's nervousness. A little amused, but more concerned than anything else, she tries to recall her mom's advice to her the other day...

"Usse garam doodh muth peenay dena. Tumhare daddy nay doe glass piye thay aur phir bistar par letthay he neend aa gayi thi unhe." ("Don't let him drink any warm milk. Your dad had two glasses to drink and then promptly fell asleep the moment he hit the sack.")
Hotbabe: (Thinks) Hmmmm...I managed to do that. What else did she say...?
"Usse lead lene do. Aadmi logon ko patha hota hai kya karna hai." ("Let him take the lead. The men-folk know what to do in such situations.")
Hotbabe: (Thinks) Well, doesn't look like that's the case here. I just wish he'd hurry up and come...(?!!)

Meanwhile, Yeman is busy reading the "bible" Atul gave him as a wedding gift. We are, of course, referring to the Kamasutra. As couples embarking on a "new" life are often told -- "Don't leave home without it!" -- Yeman is trying to speed read his way through what appears to be a fascinating tome full of rather interesting pictures! Wishing he had looked at earlier, he now realizes that there are so *many* things to be learned. Suddenly recalling the all-knowing Atul's words of wisdom -- "Arre yaar, woh positions wallah section dekh leejo; baaki sab boring hai" ("Hey buddy, take a look at the positions section; all the other stuff's boring.") -- he proceeds to read...

"If, by means of some contraption, your lover suspends herself above you, places your linga in her yoni and pulleys herself up and down upon it, it is Utkalita."
Realizing quickly that this position would require the services of at least three other people and a pulley-like contraption, Yeman quickly discards this as an infeasible option. Then...

"When your skillful lady lifts crossed thighs and places both her heels on one of your shoulders, her buttocks being passionately struck by your penis driving rapidly, it is Nagara."
With this one Yeman has conceptualization problems. For him trying to visualize the position is harder than taking the JEE(Entrance exam for the IIT's). Besides, how "skilled" is the lady really supposed to be? The idea that Hotbabe may be "skilled" doesn't go down well with our hero's male ego

Yeman: (Loudly) Aargh! Saali sab bakvaas cheezay likhi hain!
("Sister-in-law, they've written all crap!")
Hotbabe: (From the other room) Jee...? Kuch kaha aapne?
("Yo! Did ya say something?")
Yeman: (Stuffing the Kamasutra book where he'd found it)
Nahi, nahi. Tum soe jaao...
(No, no. You go to sleep...)
Hotbabe: (Not sure if she'd heard correctly) Jee...! Kya!!?
Yeman: (Realizing his folly) Mera matlab hai...main abhi aata hoon...
("I mean... I'm coming...")
Hotbabe: (Letting out a barely audible sigh) Oh...

By this time, Yeman bhaisaab has almost given up any hope of coming up with a solution to his predicament. Then, in a blinding flash, his dad's words of wisdom come to mind...

"Beta, itna darne ki koi zaroorat nahi. Meri baat mano aur, jab time aaye, tho maidaan-e-jang mein kood padhna! Arre, mujhe he dekh lo na. Ek number ke sher the hum apne zamaane mein. Sher ke bachche ho tum!" ("Son, don't be such a wimp. Listen to my words of wisdom and, when the time comes, jump into the war- garden! Hey, look at me. In my time I was a bona-fide tiger. And that makes you a tiger's son!")
Yeman feels that sudden rush of adrenaline taking over his bodily functions with a renewed vigor. Yes! I am a MAN. Better still, I am a......to be continued

Rate joke, 5 being the best
Back to Main

Highest rated Jokes

Rules of Bhangra (0.0)
Vechara Singh (0.0)
3 Men Go to INDIA (0.0)
JAMES BOND (0.0)
Arranged Marriage (0.0)
THE WEDDING NIGHT (Suhaag Raat)(0.0)
Letter from Bollywood (0.0)

Most Read Jokes

THE WEDDING NIGHT (Suhaag Raat)(3)
SINGH N' RAP I (2)
Bhangra Singer Valentines Letter (2)
Rules of Bhangra (1)
Vechara Singh (1)
JAMES BOND (1)
Letter from Bollywood (1)

Post Joke

Click here to add any indian, punjabi or sikh related joke

Search

Copyright @ 2000-2003 Kalwant's Homepage, All Rights Reserved